RIP Neil

Sex: A Partial Guide By Betty and Al

Someone posted a list on Facebook called "50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex". It is appaling that a girl wrote it because it's completely ridiculous and sexist. We picked some of our favorite points and added our thoughts on them you can see the complete list here: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2224421273&ref=nf

Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.
In our experience it’s usually the guy who wants to cuddle with us when we’re trying to “run away”. This doesn’t seem to be a gender issue.

Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a porn star all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
I have never slept with a guy because he was being romantic. No one has ever said “I just want us to be one and our loving embraces to carry us off to another world” and through that convinced me to have sex. Usually the romantic stuff comes after sex “oh you’re so beautiful…” and we all know that’s just because they are so damn happy that they got laid.

Using random magazines as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counselling.
How about using random face book lists as sex advice? Is that ok?

Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.
No guy EVER has the right to push you head down while you are giving him head! Unless you are biting it I am pretty sure it is feeling good. And if you ARE biting it he will NOT be pushing your head down. Seriously guys, do you want a dick covered in vomit? It’s called a gag reflex. Do yourself a favour and lay back and enjoy.

Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
If anyone ever stops someone right before sex to bitch that they weren’t graceful enough getting undressed then that person does not deserve to have sex. But do NOT only leave your socks on if you want to look sexy.

Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
Face stubble is hot.

Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
In our experience, these days it’s usually the girl who doesn’t want the relationship and the guy who goes all ga ga. Or maybe we’re just irresistible.

Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.
Oral sex is a privilege. If he’s in a bad mood I’m not going to demand he go down on me and hopefully if I’m feeling completely un-sexy because I am haemorrhaging blood he wont as me to go down on him. It would be very unwise of him to do so.

Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".
“Oh! Oh! I stubbed my TOE! It HURTS! OH GOD! OH!” “*Pant* *Pant* *Pant* *Pant* OHHHH” *Pant*” “Oh yeah, I’m putting up drywall. Oh that’s good drywall. I’m going to put it up HARDER! Oh this is SO much better than the last DRYWALL!” I will never ever mistake my sex noises with the noises I make while hurting myself, exercising, and doing construction.

Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
If a guy ever calls me a whore or a slut during sex I am going to hurt him in unimaginable ways. Talking dirty is one thing…calling me a slut is another.

Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
We were just complaining about how we could have quickies more often…like 5 minutes ago.

Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
“No means No” ever heard of that? And a cock doesn’t “accidentally” get in your ass…you can feel it coming.

Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
So this is some guy you cant expect a relationship with just because he has sex with you? Well he cant expect a strip show just because you have sex with him. He should be glad he’s getting laid.

Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
So if he pushes your head down during sex it’s because your doing something wrong? Well if I look bored it’s because he’s doing something wrong. He should fix it.

Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.
If you’re that much of a feminist you wouldn’t be having sex…everyone likes being dominated sometimes.

Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.
So we’re not supposed to take control or give up control. I guess we can just both lie there and hope we magically float together. Or both flail on the bed until his dick “accidentally” ends up in a very comfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen).

Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.
If you’re having sex, he’s going to get touched…unless you’re playing dead. And once his dick is inside you, there isn’t much to concentrate on…at that point the dick is kind of out of your focus area. Not a lot of options at that point.

Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
Balls are a sensitive issue. Frankly they aren’t that interesting because they are generally big hairy balls. That is all.

Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
Because penises are just so pretty. Right…great view. If titty fucking makes you a sex object…what does regular fucking make you?

Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
Kind of rough is ok. But it is NOT ok to actually get bashed up…once you start feeling more pain then pleasure…stop!

Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
We’ve decided to save ourselves the trouble of telling every guy we sleep with where he can and cant jizz; we made diagrams (See Bottom of post). By the way, who figured out that jizz tightens pores? *EDIT* Courteney's should say that spitting is gross not swallowing...soooory!

Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
If it’s good sex I wont be able to help making noise…if I’m not making noise then he’s really bad…and I don’t think he should get the idea he’s “the best I’ve had”.

Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
We go around demanding oral sex all the time. “I only came over for oral sex. Give it to me. Now.” It is obviously a torture device we use when we want me to suffer.

Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
This is not a gender issues. Guys always ask me questions after sex…AND I don’t care that they do.

court & jared

doncha know?

--Court